Headlines blare that Noah's Ark has been found, and on the slopes of Mount Ararat no less. But wait, there's more: the wonderfully preserved boat was found by a bunch of "evangelicals."
Land sakes, you don't say!
Here at Otagosh however we can reveal exclusively that the claim is false.
The Ark isn't Noah's. It belonged to Utnapishtim.
Yes, this is the long-awaited proof of the divine origin of The Epic of Gilgamesh. Skeptics repent! Even now we're rushing to register the First Church of Uruk with the charities commission. We anticipate all donations will be tax deductable.
Forget Yahweh, or any of the other pale imitators. It's Adad and Nergal, Shullat and Hanish, Ninurta and Enlil all you infidels should be really worried about! If I was in your shoes at the moment, I'd be particularly cautious around Ennugi and Ea as well.
It's all there to read in Book 11 of the Epic, written long before the Israelites fiddled with it.
Expect a revival of the true faith, temples springing up bursting with hymns of praise and sacred prostitutes. A sign has been delivered to a faithless generation, Gilgamesh is lord of our hearts, and moreover (and this is very important)...
(Normal service will be resumed in due course.)