I have spent the night wailing and entreating Providence on behalf of that last bulwark of orthodoxy, the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod, with the news that this elect body of doctrinal purity has slid, slipped, sloughed down, arse over teakettle, from America's tenth largest denomination, to end up, face in the St Louis sludge, at number thirteen.
The Catholics are numero uno, followed by the Southern Baptists, Methodists, Mormons and something called "The Church of God in Christ".
Kicking in a number six is the National Baptist Convention, followed by the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA), another body also calling itself the National Baptist Convention, the Assemblies of God and the Presbyterians.
The Missouriites might take comfort that, off the top ten list and languishing at unlucky thirteen, they're at least ahead of the Anglicans/Episcopalians, who barely retain two million members against the LCMS' 2.3 million.
Of course, now that Matthew Harrison has ascended to the presidency of the Synod, fortified by old-time confessionalism and the certitudes of a conservatism far beyond that of his predecessor, we're doubtless going to see the Synod rebound, hammering on the gates of hell and sweeping all before it. Just hold your breath and click your heels three times...