Monday, 14 May 2012

What are you doing on the 27th?

First pizza, now this!  What a night!
May 27, as most of us know, is the day everything changes, for lo, we will lift up our eyes and see the dramatic return of Jesus Christ to this planet, as King, Kaiser, Caesar and Beloved Leader - no voting required.

At least that's what Ron Weinland, the last apostle and end-time prophet is saying.  And it's not like Ronnie has led anyone up this particular garden path before, is it?

Just think, all that money Mitt Romney has spent campaigning, and he'll never be president.

The Hobbit movie will never be finished.

The bank will never bleed another mortgage payment off you.

Hallelujah!

So brethren, what will you be doing on Sunday the 27th as you await the Lord's return?

Let's face it, loose white garments - choir robes and suchlike - are kind of tacky and, well, it's been done before.

Those of us, true believers one and all, who admire Ronnie's selfless ministry and gladly accept that he is one of the two witlesses, er, witnesses, can lend our support on this unprecedented day, the day human history effectively ends, by celebrating.

Assuming of course that the wicked Laodiceans in our midst (and you know who you are) aren't wiped out first in Ron's Reader's Digest Condensed Tribulation.

Using the sterling example set by The Journal with its 'festival reports', let's compile some 'end of the age reports' as we mark, in our various ways, the end of time as we know it.

Some suggestions:
Pizza and the Parousia.  Take the family out to the local pizza joint, but be sure to avoid ham toppings.  Stay late, remember, Monday is cancelled.

Bar bar Black Sheep.  No, not a typo, and especially designed for the backsliders in our midst.  Get thee down to one of the more salubrious local bars or pubs and order a meal.  Time it right and you'll never have to pay!

Fermented Grapes of Wrath.  Stay in for a home cooked meal, but pick up an especially nice bottle of wine to toast Ron, Laura and their Lord.

Geekery.  Live-blog the big event, or set yourself up for a tweeting marathon as news comes through of the Armies of Heaven on their broken kneecaps crusade ("every knee shall bow!")

Signs of the Times.  Put up a sign on your fence as a cryptic witness to the day's true significance.  "Ron told us so!", "Bob Thiel will be really hosed off"  or "Ron and Laura WHO?"

That's only a few of the possibilities.  More suggestions welcome.  I think I'll go for Bar Bar Black Sheep - who knows the next time I'll be able to order a pint of Murphy's with the $10 Chicken Parmigiana!  Whatever you do though, don't let the occasion pass unnoted.  And yes, as we all enter the thousand year millenium, Ron's Wonderful World Tomorrow, don't forget to send in your 'best apocalyse ever' reports.  We'll be pleased to receive them...

...regardless of the state our kneecaps are in.

7 comments:

  1. Let me be the first to say that Jesus will not be returning on the 27th nor any other day for that matter. If Jesus ever actually existed, which I doubt very seriously, he died... end of story.

    As much as we might like to come back to life after dying, it ain't gonna happen. And, even if we did, we wouldn't be us because everything that we are perishes when the brain perishes. We are not like the memory on a computer that can be saved to another computer because our memories are perishable.

    While it may be possible for a god to bring back a person from dust with a new body and a new memory to go with it - the same god could have done that to start with -since it's not going to be the same person anyway (1 Cor. 15).

    Besides all that, "Parousia" doesn't mean the same thing as a physical return anyway. Gotta remember, if Paul saw Jesus in vision it's not impossible for the others to have seen Jesus in the same way. Maybe his resurrection and ascension into heaven was also "in vision".

    People have visions of Jesus all the time. Of course, those folks are mostly Catholics but a vision is a vision.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Corky, you just ain't no fun

      Delete
    2. Golly this post makes me feel OLD, even if it is my birthday, I've lived through the end of the world so many times.

      Delete
  2. In the United States, it is the Memorial Day Weekend Holiday. Picnics, family get togethers, another rare appearance of President Barak Obama on TV.

    So those of us here are really grateful that Jesus decided to return on the Holiday weekend, otherwise there would be snarled traffic and just a lot of chaos and confusion.

    God is so merciful and considerate to have Jesus return at a time when it won't disrupt the busy work schedules of the average working guy.

    And besides, the Memorial Day Weekend is the time of BIG SALES EVENTS. It's time for clearance sales for the summer merchandise. So a lot of people here will also be shopping.

    Maybe Jesus can open a mall on his way back down to Jerusalem.

    And this coming up weekend is also another opportunity to mock false prophets.

    We never tire of that.

    ReplyDelete
  3. May 27 will the 100th anniversary of the birth of my mother. I will take some time to think about her and be grateful for all that she did for me. I will also take a moment to be grateful that armstrongism has so little to do with my life now.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I plan on drinking a fresh percolated cup of coffee on the dock while I watch the sun come up over the water. If the weather is nice I will suntan most of the day on the south dock. I love and enjoy life.

    Ron will not have a nice day if he is a deluded preacher. However, being a con artist, he may be very happy on account of it being his retirement day. He will then have to spend his time hiding from the I.R.S. arrest warrant for failing to appear at his criminal trial.

    ReplyDelete